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I used to be the Backup

I used to be the backup but not anymore.  I've lived with my daughter for pretty much all of her life and I know her kid's routines very well.  If she had to go out I stayed home with the kids. When she was having babies I took time off to be at home and look after her and them.  Now that she's gone we have no backup and I'm doing more housework and childcare than I've done in years.  Those who know me well know that I'm SO not a fan of cleaning so that’s been an uphill climb! I used to have the luxury of being able to sew and sleep on the weekends but that's over now too. I don't begrudge any of it though, as it's given me the opportunity to know her husband and children more deeply, and I've developed a pretty good work/home routine that works well for everyone.

I'm grateful that I've been able to increase my responsibilities without too much adjustment, although the added work and brain power needed does take away from time when I just want to hide in my room and cry for my daughter.  Thankfully, I'm a logical thinker and I don't dwell on negative thinking about wishing she hadn’t died, because she did and nothing can bring her back.  Instead I focus on what I need to do to run the house, pay the bills and keep everyone fed, healthy and as happy as they can be under the circumstances, and be there for my other three children. Yes, I have lost my beautiful daughter but I have gained her children and husband and I am committed to serving them to the best of my abilities.  At the ripe old age of 61, I might just be morphing into the best version of myself.  This is my gift to Louise.

P.S - I miss you so much Lou.....





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